Friday, November 11, 2011

I'm so very sad

You know the Scripture that starts out, “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”?

Yeah. I feel that way right now.

Hey, King Solomon said these words. You know, the wisest man that ever lived, the Son of David (the man after God’s own heart) if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I am SO over depression. There is nothing in life worth getting so down, so isolated, so irreparably sad that you feel you can’t go on. However, I do still get sad. Normal sad. I get bothered by things. Deeply moved by things that I know just aren’t quite right (people fighting over petty things). Or very, very wrong (a Somalian child dying of hunger).

I just don’t know how I got here…finalizing a divorce…with two sweet, adorable, smart little girls in tow.

Grrrr. I know how I GOT here. I chose the wrong path and made the wrong decisions 19 months ago, three years ago...10 years ago. And the ball started rolling faster and faster until it ran over everyone in its path.

Who am I kidding? It was more like a boulder…going downhill...covered in snow and bits of debris shards of glass and ticking like a time bomb.

But now, there is nothing I can do! I’m sober, (I’ve been sober for over 19 months now). I’m wiser. I’m not so trivial about life, love, marriage. I am working, living on my own, raising a baby….SOBER. And I am so averse to wild, rebellious living that I’m downright boring.

Seriously, I’ve always been known as a free-spirit and although I am still creative and love to create, I am so disinclined to have adventures that my friends think I’ve had a lobotomy. I guess in a way, I have. And I’m not sorry for it. I NEEDED to change. I had to change. So I did change. I, at least, like myself now. That’s all that matters. Self-loathing is an unbecoming trait. Besides, I’m still fun. I laugh out loud and I truly love life.

I just wish there was something I could do to mend things that I broke. Not necessarily put the pieces back together…because, let’s face it…when I broke IT, I broke it so badly that you can’t just glue it back together. No. This is something God would have to re-form. He would have to sweep up the ashes, put them in warm water, and re-mold it. It would look completely different than it did before. I’m all for that.

I, however, can’t be the only one.

That is the reason I am so. very. sad.

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