As I was preparing my mind and body for death James 1:15 , God was preparing a place for me to come to forgiveness and a resting place. Not one of spirits and golden streets, but of earth and hard work and a clean heart.
The clean heart, I did not expect and the hard work, I feared. The earth, however, felt good beneath my feet and my spirit leaped with delight in planting seeds in rich soil. (Ahhh, what I was meant to do!)
What a mess I've made and I'm not entirely sure it can be cleansed, but even if my God, my husband, my friends nor family will forgive me, I must rejoice in His love and mercy. Even His justice.
Even this path I started down almost ten years ago has come 'round and brought me back to him...just like St. Augustine said it would.
How is this possible? For it's NOT. Did I not read and hear and know not to grieve the Spirit (Eph. 4:30)? And did I not, with this knowledge and having seen and tasted His goodness, plunge into sin and ask Him to leave many times? So, why am I still here? Why has not anyone left me...including, O Lord, My God, dare I believe You have not left me even now?