Sinking Sand

I guess I've known for a long time I am a co-dependent person. I would never have called myself that, though. Not with my need to be in control of my own environment, of myself. To be utterly independent of anyone else and trust no one. To be set aside, unique, different, unable to be tossed back and forth by the wind. A rock.

How trite and fleshly.

I have become and have been (most of my life) the very thing my spirit and soul cry out against. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said, "An artist. I would travel all around and find the lone tree in a gated pasture and I would draw for hours and then sell my work." The response, "Good luck with that, kid."

I am so co-dependent I've become unreliable. Paralyzed. Someone who has neither goal nor the means to finish a race to win. Impotent. A man who looks at himself in the mirror and then forgets his own face as he walks away James 1:23 & 24. I've almost destroyed my own livelihood, my marriage (subsequently, my daughter) and sinned against my own body. Defiled the temple of the Holy Spirit.

No longer will I be seeped in the way of liars, beggars and thieves.

Divine Intervention

Things are getting better day-by-day and I don't understand it.

One thing I'm recognizing is that my devotion to God, somehow, someway, is becoming stronger.

I realize I am not so legalistic as I was, even though my selfishness astounds me still. My husband has deep needs to be respected and restored. These things are coming out in our studies of Love and Respect and I fall way-short of the wife God created me to be. The helper. The help meet. However, he shows no disgust toward me...as if my sin has not created a hole in his heart and I am not the guilty one, holding the bloody knife. I am shocked at my own deception. Where did learn to I stray so far?

And when it's too much for me to be the wife I want and need to be, and when I am overwhelmed, I have found words coming from my very own mouth which are disrespectful and self-righteous. Ugh.

How dare I, right? How do I manage such nerve? I long to have righteousness and truth at the heart of our marriage, that is the truth, but I remain so dull. So vain. So evil-minded. To the point of thinking words like the above actually come from the Holy Spirit. When really it is my own fear of intimacy and laziness. Fear is yet in me and I must master it or it will kill us both.

Yet God's love remains. So foreign to me, this is. I've heard and read of God's sovereignty, but truly I have no right to take part in this heritage. I am but rags. Even now, these things are preposterous to God. "No," He says, "you are a daughter of the King. Redeemed. Now come to Me in repentance and start anew. I will give you the sweet words which have eluded you for so long."

I have heard Bible study after Bible study and I know the truths. I didn't have to be raised 'in the church' or with the Word to know I have hidden the truth in my heart and sinned against God, my husband, my family, my own peers, my child. It is only by the grace of God that I hid His truths deep in my heart, for they are there, but they cannot possibly apply to me.

No, no. I am the impossible who turned away and will be burned, not redeemed. Impossible to bring me to repentance. The Lord will say, "I never knew you." I can't possibly have a place among the saints or have any purpose.

Although. Although, I feel even if I am rejected, He would still be worth serving the rest of my life. (Ah, the battle of the elected vs. free will.) Predestination. I've taken my fair share of free will. Of that, I am certain.

A new day

As I was preparing my mind and body for death James 1:15 , God was preparing a place for me to come to forgiveness and a resting place. Not one of spirits and golden streets, but of earth and hard work and a clean heart.

The clean heart, I did not expect and the hard work, I feared. The earth, however, felt good beneath my feet and my spirit leaped with delight in planting seeds in rich soil. (Ahhh, what I was meant to do!)

What a mess I've made and I'm not entirely sure it can be cleansed, but even if my God, my husband, my friends nor family will forgive me, I must rejoice in His love and mercy. Even His justice.

Even this path I started down almost ten years ago has come 'round and brought me back to him...just like St. Augustine said it would.

How is this possible? For it's NOT. Did I not read and hear and know not to grieve the Spirit (Eph. 4:30)? And did I not, with this knowledge and having seen and tasted His goodness, plunge into sin and ask Him to leave many times? So, why am I still here? Why has not anyone left me...including, O Lord, My God, dare I believe You have not left me even now?

OK, I changed it this time

Yes, I intentionally changed the look of my blog. I am ready for a change. Ready for SO MUCH change. And warmer weather. But HUGE changes!

I swear someone comes in and changes the font and color of my blog posts. I've got videos, crafts and fun things to write about, but not now. I need to update my LOOK!

One of THE hardest blog posts I've ever had to try and perfect and make readable. UGH. I may not post again all week. These conversations were had with Sarah Gaertner Cook, a complete dork, and Melissa Babb Sharon. (The complete dork, being ME.)

IT STARTS WITH A HARMLESS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE:

A must read to understand the below conversations. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/profile.php?ref=profile&id=513508866

Amy Vos McLeod Awesomeness. Sophie and I have had a great morning, just finishing a snaAwesomeness. Sophie and I have had a great morning, just finishing a snack and when she goes down for a nap...I'm gonna draw and listen to a CD I just got in the mail from Mer. :) Yay!!ck and when she goes down for a nap...I'm gonna draw and listen to a CD I just got in the mail from Mer. :) Yay!!

Here is the chat I was having with Sarah Cook. :) I only captured the tail end....har har.

Amy

oh good grief.

4:04pmSarah

interesting

you are a dork

4:04pmAmy

these could be useful in the near future.

i know.

i got too excited. and it's NOT a straight line. It's a vertical line with

well, it's like two dashes

or a line with a missing part

why'd they do that?!

and how did you know?

4:06pmSarah

oh me. you're cute

4:06pmAmy

Sarah!

4:06pmSarah

hehe

4:06pmAmy

I'm like a friggin' terrier chasing it's tail just to stop and say, "What was I doing?"

Sooo cute.

4:07pmSarah

yep

you got it!

Amy

sigh

I'm only like this when I'm excited.

This next one is in response to Sarah saying it's not morning anymore...

Melissa

we can always hope.

Amy

We'll, we can pretend.

my daughter does that on and off all day.

Melissa

no kidding. people call that creative...so let's pretend our houses are clean and we can just curl up with a nice book and some hot chocolate

3:38pmAmy

Oooo, can I have my fairytale with tea!

3:38pmMelissa

you betcha

3:38pmAmy

Good, cuz that's what I'm about to drink.

3:39pmMelissa

well, you're ahead of me. better go grab a hot drink...

3:39pmAmy

yup!

and i'm stirring it with one of Sophie's spoons because all the spoons are in the dishwasher.

we seem to eat a lot of things that require a spoon.