Did you ever have a time....

Did you ever have a time when you thought, "This isn't happening. This is too surreal to be actually going on around me, in me (whatever the situation may be). I can't actually be considering these things. I can't actually have just done that."??

I have a friend who has become an addict, of sorts. ;) (In-recovery joke.) She has been exercising her butt off.... Seriously, Mer, like, where's your butt? LOL I'm kidding, of course.

But there's got to have been a moment where she thought, "Holy crap, this FitLinxx thing says I lifted 3 elephants this week. For real! Over time, my circuit training efforts mean I lifted that many elephants?" (I mean, with this YMCA FitLixx thing, you can even count walking from the parking lot to the grocery store!) Anyway, I digress...as usual.

So, anyway, I'm waking up, trying to go through my day, not thinking about my addiction in the sense that I am not trying to figure out how I can sneak around and get my 'fix,' but like, "HOLY! I'm through with it! Done. Finito. Wow. REALLY? Like, no, really?" And I smile. Really big. I laugh out loud. Even in this mental and sometimes physical pain, I just want to thank God that I'm done. I'm out of the closet. (No, I'm not gay.)

And I've realized what my new addiction is going to be. I mean, some Dr.s have told me that I need to do this and that and be hospitalized and blah, and blah, and blah. God's bigger than that. I was never opposed to doing what I needed to do, if I needed to do it, but I haven't needed all that Dr. supervision. (Funny word: Super. Vision. Like, Superman? For real?) Anyway, God's been enough. Watching my back. And my family and friends, and prayer and, of course, Tommy and sleep and my new addiction...which really isn't new because I had it before.

It's lame, nothing interesting, I know...but it's music. And I have to say, the clean version of this song, and the chorus especially, LOSE YOURSELF is THE most inspiring song for me right now. Eminem may not be some clean-cut Christian, but he is honest and you know what? I admire him. He's more open and real than a lot of people I know. So slander me. *Shudder* Big whoop.

I forgot how much I love music. Acting like a rock star in the car, in front of the mirror (OK, maybe I'm sharing too much.... *snort* ME sharing too much. *laughs*) and just being the biggest moron and pretending I'm the bomb.

Don't lie. You know you've done it, too.

However, there is one thing that is missing. HUGE problem: I've never learned how to cope with stress or conflict. I am the epitome of 'fight or flight.' For the last 8-some-odd years I've been flighting...flighty is more like it. Before that, I was a fighter. Not a good one. A mean one.

Seriously, anyone who knows me...really knows me...knows I am not non-confrontational (unless I have a horrible addiction to fall back on and couldn't give a rip and didn't have energy to fight back anyway). However, when I am backed into a corner, I do not come out with my fists up or say, "OK, you're right. I'm being irrational." (Although, I am capable of that rationality, it takes WAAAAY too much effort for me.)

So, if I'm not a pretty tame 'fists up, ready to fight,' what am I when I'm backed into a corner? I am thinking...this: You asked for it. And I was taught this. Through pain and heartbreak and lies and blah, blah, blah, blittity, blah.

So I called up a shrink today and said, "I have no coping mechanisms. The only coping mechanism I've had for about 8 years is gone. I don't want that to ever come back. However, I don't know the balance between fight or flight. I either roll over and play dead or...well, become your worst psychopathic, belittling nightmare. (You think I'm kidding?) And I hate it. I need help. Celebrate Recovery will help me with certain things, but the psychological things...I need help, Doc." So, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow at 5pm.

He's actually excited for me. I can't truly understand why. Pretty cool doctor, I guess.

Anyway. That's all for now.

OH, please pray that I can get some more painting done. I just don't have the energy and these headaches are killing me and things are strained (no big surprise here) between Tommy and me. I still have two full paintings to go and the lady asked for them by mid-August. I'm going to have to trust my instinct and JUST FREAKIN' PAINT.