Brave New World

April 1st will mark two years of sobriety. In June, it will mark two years ago that I stepped away ran screaming from my addiction which I allowed to take away so many years, so many relationships, so many dreams. It was never worth all I allowed it to become. If anyone ever thinks they are in control of a hidden sin, they are dead wrong.

Thank God Joel 2:25 still holds true: ²⁵ “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." Once again, God has proven faithful when I was not.

Now comes the hard part (not that the last two years haven't been hard). I have to start over. I never wanted to start over.

When I got married, I walked down the aisle knowing I was marrying my best friend. Knowing that God put us together and He had a plan, a will, for our lives. My future husband knew my secrets, knew my weaknesses, and we held the same dream in our hearts to share the Light of Christ to the world around us, to have a family one day, to cling to each other, and more importantly, to God, in all circumstances.

But things happen. Sin happens. And God's warning is true, "the wages of sin is death." -Romans 6:23 And the Scripture Romans 6:21 has never been truer: "What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!"

Death of trust. Death of relationships. Death of dreams.

If it ended there, I don't know how I could ever go on. However, God always gives us a promise when asking for obediance. "For the wages of sin is death....BUT the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Gifts are not earned. Thank GOD. Gifts are not something you have to pay for. Thank you JESUS. And most times, gifts are something not expected. 

God is just, yes, but He is also merciful. Justice was absolutely served to me for the things I did. But I have found mercy along the way, too. Even from those I hurt the most. God knows all things, sees all things, is not confined to space or time. He has a plan and a future. One to prosper and not to harm. One that gives us hope.

If my future "only" consisted of Heaven, I'd consider myself one of the most blessed among the blessed. Because I am still here on Earth, apparently He's not done with me, yet. I pray I keep my eyes open and focused on Him so that I don't miss the REST of this life.

I'm so very sad

You know the Scripture that starts out, “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”?

Yeah. I feel that way right now.

Hey, King Solomon said these words. You know, the wisest man that ever lived, the Son of David (the man after God’s own heart)...so if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I am SO over depression. There is nothing in life worth getting so down, so isolated, so irreparably sad that you feel you can’t go on. However, I do still get sad. Normal sad. I get bothered by things. Deeply moved by things that I know just aren’t quite right (people fighting over petty things). Or very, very wrong (a Somalian child dying of hunger).

I just don’t know how I got here…finalizing a divorce…with two sweet, adorable, smart little girls in tow.

Grrrr. I know how I GOT here. I chose the wrong path and made the wrong decisions 19 months ago, three years ago...10 years ago. And the ball started rolling faster and faster until it ran over everyone in its path.

Who am I kidding? It was more like a boulder…going downhill...covered in snow and bits of debris shards of glass and ticking like a time bomb.

But now, there is nothing I can do! I’m sober, (I’ve been sober for over 19 months now). I’m wiser. I’m not so trivial about life, love, marriage. I am working, living on my own, raising a baby….SOBER. And I am so averse to wild, rebellious living that I’m downright boring.

Seriously, I’ve always been known as a free-spirit and although I am still creative and love to create, I am so disinclined to have adventures that my friends think I’ve had a lobotomy. I guess in a way, I have. And I’m not sorry for it. I NEEDED to change. I had to change. So I did change. I, at least, like myself now. That’s all that matters. Self-loathing is an unbecoming trait. Besides, I’m still fun. I laugh out loud and I truly love life.

I just wish there was something I could do to mend things that I broke. Not necessarily put the pieces back together…because, let’s face it…when I broke IT, I broke it so badly that you can’t just glue it back together. No. This is something God would have to re-form. He would have to sweep up the ashes, put them in warm water, and re-mold it. It would look completely different than it did before. I’m all for that.

I, however, can’t be the only one.

That is the reason I am so. very. sad.